The elaboration of mourning according to Nature
Death seen by the living
In the existential sphere everything has a beginning and an end, and this is widely known and should therefore be able to be managed in a natural way for how life foresees the cycle of existence, but unfortunately this is not always the case, the elaboration of mourning remains a topic much avoided and therefore little treated.
Let's see according to the so-called "classical" psychology what are the main phases of pain and the elaboration of mourning or loss. At the end of the 60s, in 1969, the Swiss psychiatrist Elizabeth Kùbler Ross elaborated a theory about the phases of mourning, which are still followed by current classical psychology, and which would be the phases that a person is faced with after a loss , in principle with times and methods that may vary in relation to the individual case.
The 5 phases of mourning highlighted in summary are:
- refusal or denial, it is a form of defense as a first reaction, I don't believe it;
- anger, why did it happen to me, what did we do wrong to deserve it;
- plea bargaining, trying to regain balance with a phase of ups and downs;
- depression, state of sadness with all the correlates of this state;
- acceptance, time is great doctor and move on.
In fact, mourning in itself indicates a state of mind that can also be caused by abandonment or separation, and anyone who has experienced such a situation knows its various phases and both internal and external manifestations. The only way is to accept the situation and react, as regards the weather it is decidedly variable.
This has been the position of psychology since the end of the 1960s, confirming what a decade earlier had been highlighted by the publication of a work by Husserl, 1956 The crisis of European sciences and transcendental phenomenology, and confirmed by a meeting in 1936 between the leading psychologists of the time who confirmed the lack of psychology and hoped for the arrival of a new fourth force capable of relating spirituality as well, a relationship which would have put man in connection with Nature's project and therefore would not they would no longer have been unknown or unknowable aspects.
"Natura naturans": we are a product of Nature and therefore as such we can know if we enter into the logic of the eternal laws of nature on the basis of which there is a perfect order and everything has a sense and a proportion and the unconscious, mystery does not exist. In nature, in fact, the problem of death does not exist, if we observe the animals when the time comes they move away to make the passage by themselves and this does not create any problem, the same happens when a group of animals suffers an attack by a predator, at the moment it is disarray but a moment later calm returns and this is because it is part of life. We are beings superior to the animal world, we have the reflective capacity, the conscience, we are endowed with a greater potential which can then be expressed in multiple activities, creativity, emotions, feelings, vision of the world and of reality, and we are also the only ones who tend to suffer heavily this aspect linked to the end of a life cycle or to a tragic or unwanted event that entails a loss, and all this leads us to the consideration that we lack awareness of our position in existence.
A high degree of awareness of the value of existence and of the intimate relationship with the laws of nature in fact entails a completely different attitude, however an individual path is necessary to get to see reality as it is and not as it appears, this is the master task of authentic psychology as a science, showing reality as it is and not as it appears, then "if you want and you know, then you can" and we as Homo Novus Foundation we have these skills and we make them available.
This approach is based on an assertion, living to be and not to have, we are called to live a life dedicated to pleasure in all its facets, the pleasure of doing, the pleasure of relationships, creative pleasure, the pleasure of conviviality , in short, the pleasure of existing, and in doing this we must capitalize on everything we have available if there is and never be in the difficulty of lack when there isn't.
This means training yourself for the difficult task of detaching yourself from everything we fear losing, seizing the fleeting moment of action with full awareness of its existential and quantum value.
Apparently it is reductive but in reality, in that same reality which foresees that one cannot tread on the same water twice, this represents the true essence of full awareness of existence and of existing as an active and not a passive participant, even if by position there is an existence in a biological cycle, that is to say a normal life in the biological sense, birth, development, social life, work, family, procreation for the biological continuation of the species, maturity, old age and death as a passage to another stage, cycle of all respectable which if lived well allows a peaceful life achieved with satisfaction and tranquility in anticipation of the passage as it is natural.
This is what nature foresees and this is the contribution that psychology would be called to give and that it can actually make today in the updated existential humanistic expression from the 70s to today, from that fourth force that had been hoped for by the greats of world psychology .
As proof of this, I can bring my personal experience, the result of a long individual work that allowed me to grasp the emotional situation at the time of the passage of both my mother and my father, which resulted at the level of empathic communication so simple and evident that could only be shared, let me go I'm too tired in my mother's case and I'm glad that I reach my beloved in my father's case; so, what to say except “go in peace”.
The real point is that mourning or abandonment, separation, has a negative effect if the person is not well centered on himself or on his operating environment and therefore leans on others, makes a shift both on animal things or people as necessary, such as lack both affective and of realization, let's think about the value of the images, the photographs that are kept on the desk, at home or in the wallet, once they were also carried in the car, tell me which images you feed on and I will know who you are, but this This is a topic that deserves a separate discussion.
Very often the sense of guilt takes over referring to situations of lack of actions towards the relative and therefore of responsibility which, however, if analyzed calmly, are neither real nor corresponding to the experience, the memory tends to offset the memory in fact disadvantage of the person as a hooking point to blame oneself and reduce oneself, in fact it is sufficient to talk to people who are living with a strong sense of guilt and ask specific questions and many alternatives open up,
example, I had to be close to him at that moment, yes, but don't you remember that it wasn't possible? and then even if you had been present perhaps you would not have noticed it or it would not have been possible to intervene and then in the hypothesis of the presence how much would it have helped in a now compromised situation? If we talk, we highlight a situation that is not at all how it is experienced internally and the worst thing is that it is not accepted as possible and this, however, highlights a form of choice by the person who blames himself for not being responsible, a form of self-condemnation absolutely free which, however, if investigated, originates in some error or situation not experienced in the past and not necessarily reported
to the joint. All this favors a situation of confusion and an attempt at distraction in the person experiencing the state of guilt so as not to hear this internal voice that hammers incessantly, but there is evidence of a willingness to hurt oneself and this confirms free will, everyone is free to choosing even if it is contrary to one's well-being, indeed generally it is just like that, a form of self-sabotage.
With regard to this aspect, linked to possible remorse or feelings of guilt, it is evident that life must be lived with intensity, preferably with a very practical approach, i.e. if it works for me it is good, it increases me, it gives me peace and satisfaction, if instead it doesn't work for me and it decreases it's bad for me, all regardless of the social aspect, giving Caesar what belongs to Caesar and God what belongs to God, without leaving open situations to be clarified, one must always be consistent and force oneself to close all situations suspended, so that you don't have the thought Ah if I did or said, this then becomes a snake devouring inside, this is a definition I've heard.
So you have to kill this snake avoiding that thought, that fixed thought from stabilizing in your mind and to do this you have to hold hands with lots of love and give yourself a calm rational logic, you have done everything you could and nature has run its course, let's remember that we can never replace others even if we want to or can do it, everyone is tremendously responsible for himself and his own thoughts, reminding us that what the mind thinks touches.
Not even religion is able to help as it mostly does not enter into individual responsibility but tends to place existence in the hands of God, to destiny, to the supreme will, to accept existence as it is presented to us.
So the elaboration of mourning, whatever it is, beyond the reaction on the moment which is certainly understandable and justifiable, in fact that reality, person, thing or situation no longer exists and what is perplexing, the feeling that one experiences it is the impossibility of doing anything but only acknowledging it and overcoming the situation, and this can be done with specific preparation as already highlighted, and making the best effort not to leave unfinished or suspended situations that could give emotional and psychological feedback tomorrow, and immerse oneself in making an operational investment in something else with that satisfaction that brings back a smile and brings back positive thoughts and memories in reference to the shortage, yes it was nice but now it's gone so let's think about something else.
Nature itself dies and is reborn every year, life is a continuous action of alternation between life and death, in every moment in the world there are deaths but there are also new lives and this is the eternal game of life, if we think about it every action we do when it's over is a bit like dead but immediately we project ourselves into a new action, rebirth, then the cycle resumes vigorously.
Biologically we exist thanks to all those who have been before us and we have the responsibility to carry forward that mandate that nature has assigned us, without mentioning what awaits us in the afterlife, in many cultures such as mourning it is lived in celebration for the transition to a higher level life.
from Gian Franco Grassi, psychologist and researcher
President Homo Novus Foundation